pics over the years, serious yo-yo-ing

Here are some pictures of me over the years.  One of the reasons I want to lose weight is selfish.  I don’t want to hate looking back at myself in photographs, especially now that I have two girls and we’re constantly taking pictures.  I know some people say you should love the body you have, but I keep thinking back tot 2012 when I was at goal…

Now in 2015 I’m back on meds, trying ones that aren’t supposed to increase weight gain, but I still feel very depressed and hopeless.  Here I am in May 2015.  I should give up on skinny jeans for a while, I think:

may 2015 v2may 2015 ph v2

In the fall of 2014 I went back off meds and went back to grad school for the second time:

sept 2014 v2

Here I was in May 2014 after gaining my 2013 maternity leave weight and being very depressed and anxious, back on Zoloft.  Since then I’ve lost a few pounds, and gained them back again.

2014 may v2

Here I was a week or so after my second was born in 2013, only 7 lbs above goal, before I started having serious postpartum depression and anxiety .  I was freaking out and binge-eating Nutella on Petit Lu cookies like crazy when I was on maternity leave:

2013 july v2

One of my favorites, at Lifetime and my goal weight in July 2012, before getting pregnant with my second, off meds:

2012_goal2

Here is what I looked like in 2011, on my birthday, 9 months after my first child and back on anti-depressants, and a few months before I started Weight Watchers for the 3rd or 4th time, about 20-25 pounds above goal:

2011-03-01v2

In 2009, I was lost a few pounds on Jenny Craig, and some from tapering off my meds, still 10 away from goal, just before I got pregnant with my first:

2009v2

And here I am on my honeymoon in 2008 😦  Makes me cringe.

HM 2008 v2

Here I am at my wedding.  I really hate looking at my wedding pictures, which makes me sad.  I hated shopping for a dress, and I postponed picking a date for two years because of my weight.

wedding 2008 v2

Here is what I looked like in early 2008, before my wedding, about 20 pounds over goal.  At this point I had been seriously struggling with my weight since 2000, although you could argue that even as a child and adolescent I wasn’t happy.  I had tried doing things on my own and programs like Weight Watchers a couple of times, but I couldn’t lose more than 5 or 10 pounds, and then I’d yo-yo back up.  I was always crying at meetings and at the gym because I hated my body so much.

FEb 2008 v2

In 2005 and 2006 I might have been at my heaviest post-grad school…probably 30 pounds over goal:

poland 2005 v2

Here I was in 98 or 99 in college, after my breast reduction in 1996, probably around my current goal weight:

98-99

And a real flash from the past: me back in middle school in 1991 or 92, I think.  Compared to other skinny pre-teens/adolescents I was quite curvy, but I thought I was too fat.  I think I was probably 10 or 15 pounds below my current goal, in the middle of a healthy weight range for my height and age.  In high school I think I was 5 pounds heavier, and then in college, another 5 pounds.  In my first grad school period my infrequent exercise habits could no longer compensate for my binge eating and I gained another 15.

p_v14alcyc4mp1204 1992ish

So over the last 15 years, there has only been one year where I remotely liked the way I looked in pictures.  Although even in 2012 there are some pictures where I’m not happy with how I look.

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