Here are some pictures of me over the years. One of the reasons I want to lose weight is selfish. I don’t want to hate looking back at myself in photographs, especially now that I have two girls and we’re constantly taking pictures. I know some people say you should love the body you have, but I keep thinking back tot 2012 when I was at goal…
Now in 2015 I’m back on meds, trying ones that aren’t supposed to increase weight gain, but I still feel very depressed and hopeless. Here I am in May 2015. I should give up on skinny jeans for a while, I think:
In the fall of 2014 I went back off meds and went back to grad school for the second time:
Here I was in May 2014 after gaining my 2013 maternity leave weight and being very depressed and anxious, back on Zoloft. Since then I’ve lost a few pounds, and gained them back again.
Here I was a week or so after my second was born in 2013, only 7 lbs above goal, before I started having serious postpartum depression and anxiety . I was freaking out and binge-eating Nutella on Petit Lu cookies like crazy when I was on maternity leave:
One of my favorites, at Lifetime and my goal weight in July 2012, before getting pregnant with my second, off meds:
Here is what I looked like in 2011, on my birthday, 9 months after my first child and back on anti-depressants, and a few months before I started Weight Watchers for the 3rd or 4th time, about 20-25 pounds above goal:
In 2009, I was lost a few pounds on Jenny Craig, and some from tapering off my meds, still 10 away from goal, just before I got pregnant with my first:
And here I am on my honeymoon in 2008 😦 Makes me cringe.
Here I am at my wedding. I really hate looking at my wedding pictures, which makes me sad. I hated shopping for a dress, and I postponed picking a date for two years because of my weight.
Here is what I looked like in early 2008, before my wedding, about 20 pounds over goal. At this point I had been seriously struggling with my weight since 2000, although you could argue that even as a child and adolescent I wasn’t happy. I had tried doing things on my own and programs like Weight Watchers a couple of times, but I couldn’t lose more than 5 or 10 pounds, and then I’d yo-yo back up. I was always crying at meetings and at the gym because I hated my body so much.
In 2005 and 2006 I might have been at my heaviest post-grad school…probably 30 pounds over goal:
Here I was in 98 or 99 in college, after my breast reduction in 1996, probably around my current goal weight:
And a real flash from the past: me back in middle school in 1991 or 92, I think. Compared to other skinny pre-teens/adolescents I was quite curvy, but I thought I was too fat. I think I was probably 10 or 15 pounds below my current goal, in the middle of a healthy weight range for my height and age. In high school I think I was 5 pounds heavier, and then in college, another 5 pounds. In my first grad school period my infrequent exercise habits could no longer compensate for my binge eating and I gained another 15.
So over the last 15 years, there has only been one year where I remotely liked the way I looked in pictures. Although even in 2012 there are some pictures where I’m not happy with how I look.