I was just reading this article in the New York Times by Diana Spechler from March about depression, weight, body image, and going off her meds. Here are some excerpts that resonated with me.
I eat and eat until I’m horrified by all the eating I’ve done. I eat more. I speed-eat. I’m in a Dorito-eating contest with myself…On bupropion, food didn’t hold the appeal it had once held. It became a bit of a chore, chewing food. For the first time in my life, I would forget to have lunch, leave burritos half uneaten, find myself unable to finish dessert. It should be reflexive — to eat when we’re hungry, to stop when we’re satisfied — but this was the first time I could remember my brain receiving those messages. A genie had granted the wish that I had been making since I was a teenager: Release me from my food fixation…I wish that I’d aged out of this. I wish that my feminism protected me from this. But I’ll likely wind up dieting again, doing calorie math in my head, because few things make me feel as hopeful or invigorated.
Over the last few days and weeks I realized that I really hate myself so much. I’m so ashamed of my life. But instead of hurting or killing myself I stuff myself with food until I’m numb and high and my record-player thoughts slow down. But the fix is short-lived and then I hate myself again until my mouth is stuffed again.
It was really rough with my in-laws staying with us. My mother-in-law criticizes my father-in-law about his eating, which made me feel self-conscious about my own. She also talked about her grandparents who were survivors of WWII who just kept going despite the trauma, which made me feel bad that my mom committed suicide, and that I have suicidal tendencies.
I don’t think the Viibryd (vilazodone) is helping. My therapist recommended Lamictal, which is really a mood stabilizer. Need to meet with my psychiatrist again. I’m still so unhappy about my weight, our financial situation, our dumpy apartment and long commute, parenting, and my career prospects. I realized over the last 18 months I spent about $750 on Weight Watchers and didn’t meet any of my goals. I’m going to try Overeaters Anonymous, tracking food on my FitBit app, which is free. I asked my husband to do the dishes because when I’m in the kitchen I just binge ridiculously. I’m going to do my exercises for my hip and core and glutes, and buy a new Just Dance game for the Wii.
I’ve been exercising more, but I’m also breastfeeding and pumping less, and I’m still binging. So I’m back up to my heaviest weight post-baby #2, and only 0.4 pounds less than post-baby #1. 😦 I’m now 1 pound heavier than when I came back to Weight Watchers in December 2013, post-baby #2.
I really do beat myself up inside. I feel like such a failure. Though the WW receptionist today was really sweet and helpful. She reminded me that it happens, I’m thinking about it, trying something new, coming to meetings, and getting support. Who knows, maybe if I hadn’t been going to meetings since December I would have gained 10 pounds instead of one…
I think what I really need is to find ways to soothe myself without food. I need to find other things to enjoy. And to remember that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I think I also need to drink more water. I’m so thirsty all the time.
I’ve been thinking about doing Simply Filling for a few days to kind of reset my mind and hopefully decrease my sweet tooth a bit. It’s been months since I first thought of it, but I think I’m actually going to do it.
I’m going to try to decrease the negative self-talk and turn it into positive challenges. Here are some examples from the Mayo Clinic:
- Practice positive self-talk. Start by following one simple rule: Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to anyone else. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself. If a negative thought enters your mind, evaluate it rationally and respond with affirmations of what is good about you.
Here are some examples of negative self-talk and how you can apply a positive thinking twist to them:
Putting positive thinking into practice
|I’ve never done it before.
||It’s an opportunity to learn something new.
|It’s too complicated.
||I’ll tackle it from a different angle.
|I don’t have the resources.
||Necessity is the mother of invention.
|I’m too lazy to get this done.
||I wasn’t able to fit it into my schedule, but I can re-examine some priorities.
|There’s no way it will work.
||I can try to make it work.
|It’s too radical a change.
||Let’s take a chance.
|No one bothers to communicate with me.
||I’ll see if I can open the channels of communication.
|I’m not going to get any better at this.
||I’ll give it another try.
I’ve been depressed that I didn’t meet my 5% goal by my youngest’s first birthday. So I’m going to set new goals:
- Lose 5% by Halloween.
- Lose 10% by New Year’s.
- Get to my goal weight (-20 pounds) by my birthday (March 1, 2015)
I’ll give it another try!!!
My youngest daughter is about to turn one on Friday. It’s been tough for me to adjust to being a working mom of two. I find that I spent so much time this past year just trying to survive and get enough sleep to function the next day that I haven’t had much time to focus on anything just for me. I’m going to try to have more balance this coming year; if I’m happy and feel like I get to do some things that I enjoy, I hope that will rub off on the time that I do spend with my family.
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I took my first non-baby, non-family, non-prenatal, regular adult-only yoga class on Saturday morning, and I loved it! I used muscles I haven’t used in probably two years. I challenged myself, but didn’t go too crazy. I’ve been sore for the past two days–even my armpits are sore! As I pump less and less at work I’m going to try to take a class or two on my lunch break, too. Maybe Pilates, too. I’m really looking forward to feeling strong and fit again! And I just found out my company might start Weigh Watchers at work, which would be convenient and save me money that I could spend on yoga and Pilates classes. 🙂 I do like getting lots of steps on my FitBit walking all the way down to my WW meeting, though…
So, I didn’t reach my goal of losing 5% of my weight by her 1st birthday. In fact, I’ve almost crept back up (yo-yo-ing) to my return-to-work weight. On Thursday when I weighed in and saw that I gained back the 1.4 that I’d lost the previous week I was really sad. I just kept thinking how disappointed I am in myself. I keep repeating the same negative self-talk in my head: “You were only 7 pounds away from your goal after giving birth, and now you’re 17 pounds away! What kind of idiot eats so much after having a baby?” But then Friday I thought, “Enough!” What’s done is done. I want to reach my goal, and it might take a little more time, but I was busy nurturing my children, returning to work, getting through the baby period, and applying to graduate school, and now I can spend more time on nurturing myself. I need to stop comparing myself to my sister-in-law and other skinny people at work and on the street. I am me. No one else. I successfully lost weight after my first daughter. Really it was the most successful I’ve ever been at achieving a healthy weight since college. I can do it again if I put my mind to it. There, I said it. I can do it!